i just can't take it anymore

Someone I work with got covid a couple weeks ago. I don't like to write about work because, given my huge readership (hello to the four of you!), I don't want to write anything that could get me fired. But every good rule deserves to get broken now and again, right? Right. The four of you won't tell, right? Sure. 

When I learned this person had covid I wasn't too concerned—I assumed it was a breakthrough infection, which happens, and they'd be fine. This was a reasonable assumption because I work at a university where vaccination is required. And I also did not think this person was stupid enough to be unvaccinated. Alas, my faith in intelligence is clearly unwarranted, because this person is not vaccinated. Not vaccinated and not young, either. 

My coworker is fine. But I am angry. I'm not angry because I'm scared, I'm angry because it's so utterly stupid and selfish.

I just, I mean, aargh, I can't even explain how much work it takes to be unvaccinated here. You need to apply for a religious exemption that is very onerous and time-consuming. And once you have that, you actually have to risk getting covid. The work and the risk is just so much greater than the minor inconvenience of getting vaccinated that I just cannot comprehend the utter stupidity of this choice. It is so completely selfish! If you don't get sick you're a possible vector to someone immunocompromised and if you do get sick and go to the hospital you are taking up space someone else might need. 

And this is a person I work with every day! I have to listen to their opinion! They routinely insist that I follow administrative rules that are pointless and yet they couldn't be bothered to get a required vaccination against a deadly disease that has killed hundreds of thousands of people. Every time this person speaks all I can think of is how selfish and misguided they are and it's utterly exhausting. 

(To be clear, this person's religion has no prohibition against vaccination. I assume they came up with something to meet the requirements of a religious exemption but this person isn't a Christian Scientist or anything. I would wager all the money I have that they have been vaccinated for polio.)

And then, on the flipside: my parents just returned from 2 weeks in Germany where you are not allowed to go anywhere—even an open air market—without wearing an N95 mask. If you are wearing a cloth mask the covid police will refuse you entry. Everywhere you go you are required to report your location through a government app. You are required to get tested for covid every time you travel to a new state or town. At one point my parents were refused entry to a hotel where they had a reservation because the number of cases in that town had increased and they shut down all the hotels. They had to travel to a different state in order to find a place to stay. 

My parents loved it. They thought it was truly wonderful to have the government track their movements, they felt so safe, they can't understand why Americans would object to being monitored in this way. And I said, really? You really can't understand it? No, they said, it's ridiculous that anyone would object to being tracked by the government at all times. Especially during a health crisis. 

I need to go back and reread Carl Schmitt, but I'm pretty sure we're so deep into the state of exception we can't even recognize it anymore. And I am just so, so, so tired. I want to move into a house in the middle of the woods with no internet or phone and never talk to anyone ever again. Goodbye, cruel covid world. 

happy mother's day!

An old friend wrote to me on Mother's Day this year, ostensibly to wish me a happy first Mother's Day but actually to tell me why she would probably never have a child. It was a long email. I believe it contained the words "happy mother's day" somewhere in there, but the meat of the message was that motherhood isn't all that important. 

I replied with qualified agreement—I don't think that motherhood is the most important thing. Having a child is not the only or necessarily the best way to contribute to the world. I did respectfully disagree, however, with the message in general: having gestated a person, very painfully birthed him, and then kept him alive for a few months, I was inclined to think that being a mother was pretty damn important, if not downright miraculous. 

I've been thinking about this a lot because there have been a number of articles lately on the growing "child-free" trend, and they all say basically the same thing: the birthrate is not just falling by circumstance, women are choosing not to have children. This is a principled choice, ostensibly not made just for their personal benefit but for the good of the planet. Humans are the world's biggest problem and so having fewer humans is a good thing. Fewer people = less climate change, less suffering, less general mayhem, etc, etc.  

For the record: I have no opinion on the procreative choices of these women! I don't care whether or not they have children. What's weird to me is that they spend way more time on this than seems healthy or useful. For many years, I myself was not interested in having children. So I did what most people who are uninterested in having children do: I learned how to avoid getting pregnant, made a plan, and then followed that plan. This did not require me to get my fallopian tubes cut, start a reproductive justice non-profit, or email my friends on Mother's Day to tell them parenthood is unimportant. I just, well...didn't have a kid. 

So I say we just let these women get on with their lives and stop spilling digital ink over their choices. Perhaps they will then stop sharing their sterilization surgeries with their 64,000 tiktok followers and we can all just live in blissful ignorance. But, you know, on second thought: I really do love a good overshare story! So maybe let's keep these articles coming. I want to hear next from someone who decides not to have houseplants on principle. (I am available to be interviewed.) 

In all seriousness, though: I do care about one thing in these stories, and that is the suggestion that the world would be a better place without human beings in it. If that's true then why just stop at childlessness? What's the case against against suicide, forced sterilization, or murder? If one less person in the world = one less polluter/oppressor, then is the next climate/social justice "solution" going to involve some selective culling of the human herd? What the hell is going on?  

More chaos

Yesterday, daycare closed because someone (unclear who) tested positive for covid. 

Today, we had packers come and put all our belongings in boxes. 

Two hours ago, the power went out. 

WHEN DOES THIS END???

an update on the chaos

 This past month has been total chaos. A month ago we had just gotten notice that we would need to be out of our house at the end of July. In the last month I have, in summary: 

1. Scheduled (and re-scheduled) movers

2. Found and reserved an apartment in Ann Arbor

3. Hired a lawyer

4. Learned a great deal about eviction law

5. Spent three weeks at my parent's apartment in northern New Jersey (unoccupied because they are in California (good) and without any childcare help because they are in California (bad))

6. Gone on three interviews for a job at Princeton 

7. Received and accepted a job offer from Princeton

8. Found and leased an apartment near Princeton

9. Found and reserved a daycare spot in Princeton

10. Returned to Michigan to: give notice at my job, pack up the house, and move

The most stressful part of all of this has been the housing situation. Our landlords have ZERO idea what they're doing and seem genuinely surprised that they couldn't just show up on August 1 with a moving van and kick us out of our house. Our lawyer, who is possibly the mellowest person I have ever met, expressed actual amusement at their degree of ignorance. He advised us—and I shall also advise you—never to rent from landlords who think tenants are just paying guests instead of people with actual legal rights. In other words: don't rent from morons. 

The good news is that we are probably not going be evicted—by the time our landlords manage to get us to court we will have already moved out. They are very lucky we want to leave, actually, since it would likely take them many months to get rid of us if we did not. But in the meantime they are harassing us—calling my boss, showing up at our house without notice, entering the house without permission when we are away. Two possible upsides from this: 1) I have learned a great deal about housing law, and 2) we are finally convinced buying a house might be a good idea.

And in the midst of all this I got a new job! Pretty nuts. I am really happy to be going back to the East Coast so that I can be nearer to (in no particular order): family, friends, great cities, amazing ethnic food, and impatiently rude people. I am not sad to be leaving my job and I am not sad to be leaving Michigan, but I do wish it hadn't all been so rushed and fraught. Despite my eagerness to leave, we have been very happy here. Both of our beloved creatures—dog and baby—were born here. It's really a nice place to live and I'm so glad we moved here when we did. I wish the tenor of the ending could match the overall feeling I have about the place itself. 

Baby update: He turns seven months old in a couple days! He is getting super vocal and has added lots of consonants to his babbling. He has also just today sprouted a couple bottom teeth, and without making a fuss at all. Food makes a lot more sense to both me and him now, too. This morning he was eating some yogurt and after he finished I opened a banana for my own breakfast. He stared at me with open incredulity until I shared some with him. He has also eaten: shrimp, french fries, guacamole, and foie gras. Next we both need to figure out how a cup works. I have a feeling this will take a very long time. 

a break from our regularly scheduled programming

The baby turned 6 months yesterday! Unfortunately we also learned that we are being kicked out of our rental house in a month, so no one has the time or energy to mark his half birthday right now. 

I'm taking this surprise rather badly, I'll confess. Partially because it sucks to move, and it really sucks to move with an infant, but mostly because we've been talking about a longer term plan to leave Michigan and go back east. Finding a new house here means staying longer than we wanted, and it probably means I'll need to stay at my current job longer than I wanted as well. 

I'm also just depressed about how shitty people are. Our landlords told us in May they wanted to renew our lease. Then a couple days ago they tell us we need to vacate in 30 days. These are the same people who left us a baby gift when we moved in and kept checking in to see how we were doing. Being nice is really not the same thing as being kind. 

We're going to try to get more time to stay and figure out our move, of course. We've even hired a lawyer to help us. He has assured us that just getting us into eviction court would take at least an extra month after our lease ends in July. (Also: the eviction moratorium ends the same day as our lease and there is a backlog of cases.) And even if we did get to court eventually, we'd probably be given more time if we needed it. Apparently the judge in our town is not particularly a fan of inconsiderate landlords. Not that you want an eviction court judgment on your record, even a favorable one—we'd never be able to get a rental again. 

Our landlords are not in dire straights at all, by the way—they just sold their own house and now they want ours. These people have multiple properties and a huge extended family in the area. Who cares that we have a 6-month-old in daycare down the street and two full time jobs and no family within a nine hour drive. 

So we're in a mad dash to find another place to live. Typically for us, we're also considering just chucking everything, putting our stuff in storage and heading back east now. Josh can work from anywhere and I wouldn't exactly be sad to leave my job. Too bad the "east coast" is a big place and we can't seem to narrow down the options at all. 

Sigh. At least we're taking this opportunity to get rid of a bunch of shitty furniture we don't want anymore. My rotting bookshelves (definitely a safety hazard) are going to the dump! The ugly dining room table and chairs Josh got at an estate sale before we were married are going to the local resale place! Where will the books go, you ask? And where will we eat dinner? We have no idea. 

month five

The baby was 5 months old yesterday, a fact I reported to Josh only for us to have an insane conversation about how age is counted—Josh insisted he should be 6 months old, not 5, since he is beginning his 6th month of life. He's not wrong, per se, hence the title of this post. But he's not correct, either. I don't know, Dear Reader. I guess we just need to leave the house more often. 

Anyway, however old he is, the baby is growing fast! Already busting out of his 6 month clothes, and somewhere around 18 pounds. It's helpful that he now grips onto my shirt when I'm carrying him because he's getting heavy to cart around. Sometimes as he sliiiiides down my front while we're walking around the house he gives this little squeak that I find very adorable. I also carry him sideways a lot because I find it funny, and he holds himself straight as a board—he's got great core muscles! Carrying him sideways also helps keep the droll on the floor rather than on me. 

Big things that happened this month: we took a trip! A 9 hour car ride (18 hours round trip) to the east coast. I was more than a little stressed beforehand because he had never been in the car for more than an hour at a time, but he did really great. Slept a lot, was happy to eat in a moving car, did not scream much at all. There was one major diaper blowout that resulted in me having to throw out a very cute onesie in a Sheetz bathroom in rural Pennsylvania. I am still sad about this—the onesie had a sloth on it and I love sloths! But as I carried him back out to the car in only his diaper the very country lady in the next car gave me a look and said, "I been there, Mama." I love when people say stuff like that to me—it makes my day. 

So we survived the trip and the baby got to spend a lot of quality time with his grandparents, which made them very happy. It was particularly fun for me to see my Mom and Dad with the baby. My Dad, who is Very Serious, was constantly on the floor making funny noises and trying to get the baby to roll over. And my Mom, who is somewhat neurotic, insisted on boiling the water for his formula because their house might have lead pipes. I didn't have the heart to tell her that boiling water does not remove lead. I think I gained a lot of insight into my childhood. 

Other things: the baby has been eating solid food for a couple weeks now. I find this process entirely mystifying, mostly because he has NO interest in eating solid food. Like, I put some in his mouth, he makes a face, and then he spits most of it out. And we do that for 5 minutes until he starts to fuss and I give up because we're both covered in baby food. At this rate he might be eating pizza by his 18th birthday?? Also I gave him some pureed sweet potato, which is the only food so far that he actually seemed to enjoy, but it definitely upset his stomach. At what point does this solid food thing begin to pay off, exactly?? 

In general the baby is just more this month: he coos more, he moves more, he smiles more, he plays with his toys more, etc, etc. He did not seem to care at all that we left him with his grandparents for a couple days but he's so easy-going it's hard to tell. Josh thinks we may have done the unthinkable and spawned an extrovert. I am sure it's too soon to tell but I guess anything is possible. 

month four

I've stopped understanding how to record the baby's age—should I count the weeks or the months? They no longer match up: he's 17.5 weeks old but just passed 4 months. I'm quite certain it doesn't matter, except that now I pay for daycare weekly so I'm more inclined to keep track of the weeks.

Sending him to daycare has been great—way better than I imagined. He had a bit of a tough time transitioning to it, particularly figuring out how to nap in a new environment, but now that he's mostly got the hang of it he seems to be enjoying himself. I also had a bit of a tough time with the transition—I definitely cried a few times dropping him off that first week—but now we're both mostly acclimated. He seems to enjoy hanging out with other babies and I definitely enjoy being able to get some actual work done during the day. 

And just a few days ago he started sleeping through the night, hallelujah. By "through the night" I mean that he goes to bed at 6pm and sleeps until 6am. (I'd prefer 8 to 8 but I guess we won't get there for a few years.) I imagine there will be a regression at some point but knowing he can do it for a few days in a row gives me hope. Though I'm now so used to getting up at 3am that I've been waking up in the middle of the night even if the baby isn't crying. Now I just have to retrain myself to sleep through the night. 

Other changes: he loves to put everything in his mouth, most especially his own thumb. He started by sucking on his whole fist and then as he got a bit more dextrous he figured out how to just get his thumb in there. He sucks his thumb anytime he's hungry or tired and I'm kind of amazed how much he does it considering he never had much interest in pacifiers. If you give him a toy now he will grab it and immediately put it in his mouth. 

Eating is now a full body experience: arms flailing, feet kicking, lots of grunting. Every time he has a bottle he needs to have a death grip on at least one of your fingers—if you don't give him a finger to grip then he will grab his clothes or his other hand or the bottle. He really wants to be able to hold the bottle himself but can't quite manage it yet. 

He can hold his head up pretty well now but doesn't appear to be at all interested in rolling over. He drools constantly and I hope that doesn't mean his teeth are coming in soon because I would prefer not to have to deal with teething just yet. He also smiles and laughs all the time, and will very intently watch me and Josh as we talk or walk around the room. He loves to watch Josh wrestle with the dog. He also really likes TV—I put Sesame Street on the other day when he was very fussy and I have never seen him so enthralled. Josh looked after him for a few hours yesterday and reported that a Chuck Norris film provoked a similar response. 

And I will at some point write something that is not baby related, I promise! It's just that nothing of non-baby interest is happening these days. I did get my second vaccine shot yesterday, though, and I'm looking forward to seeing other humans again soon!