1) I am so nauseous I want to die, but instead I just crawl into bed at 8pm and try desperately not to puke
2) I do not handle heat well and am dreading being heavily pregnant in the summer
3) I never, ever, ever, ever want to give birth again, but that's the only happy end to this pregnancy and I am having trouble accepting this
When I told Ms. Self-Important that I was pregnant, she said she hadn't realized I wanted to have another child. This is a fair comment! I'm not sure how people communicate these wishes to the world, though? I mean, Josh and I talked about this and made the decision, but I wasn't actively making a vision board or anything. Mostly, I like my family and would be happy to have another person in it. And I think it's nice for Jonah to have a sibling — as the youngest in my family, I have a hard time imagining not having a sibling.
When I told Ms. Self-Important that I was pregnant, she said she hadn't realized I wanted to have another child. This is a fair comment! I'm not sure how people communicate these wishes to the world, though? I mean, Josh and I talked about this and made the decision, but I wasn't actively making a vision board or anything. Mostly, I like my family and would be happy to have another person in it. And I think it's nice for Jonah to have a sibling — as the youngest in my family, I have a hard time imagining not having a sibling.
Also, I shared this last time, but because I was told as a teenager that I might not be able to have kids, I have never been able to shake the conviction that I can't get pregnant. So for me, wanting a baby has always been very separate from actually having one. For some reason my immediate success last time didn't cure this. I mean, doing it once could have been an aberration, right? Everything I read online assured me that women over 35 (who are not famous) are basically incapable of pregnancy, so why should I — possibly infertile to being with — be able to do it? And then this time, at 37 (!) it happened just as fast as last time. I remain shocked.
Not planning on testing my fertility again, though! This is it. Pregnancy is terrible. I didn't enjoy it last time, but I hate it this time. I love being a woman but this whole deal is the worst. I feel like I have a parasite that has taken over my entire body and is making my organs revolt. I knew right away that I was pregnant because I felt like something was very wrong, and that feeling has not gone away at all. Despite being totally opposed to this idea intellectually, if they created an artificial womb that allowed me to gestate my baby like egg I would absolutely do it.
The worst part is that nobody wants to give me any drugs to help with the unrelenting nausea. I know a lot of people don't want to take the drugs, but I am not that person. I want the drugs and no one will give them to me. Because nausea is normal and I am not puking every day, I apparently don't qualify for relief. No one seems to care that I am unable to concentrate for half my day because I am so intently focused on not gagging! I am utterly convinced that B6 and unisom are placebos that do nothing. What is the point of modernity if I can't get the drugs?!
I was really not expecting this, but pregnancy and motherhood has utterly changed my attitude toward doctors. I never used to question them! (Remember: they told me I was infertile and I still believe it!) Now, I am intensely skeptical of doctors, so much so I basically assume they are full of shit until proven otherwise. I've already switched OB practices once, and while I'm much happier at the new place I still think they are basically full of shit.
I'll never forget the discharge nurse at the hospital last time I gave birth lecturing me on using pain medication after my torturous c-section — she made me feel guilty asking for pain relief! I ask you: what is the medical profession good for if they can't give you pain relief after an abdominal surgery? (And the worst possible abdominal surgery, where you get no time to recover but are instead sent home with a small animal who wakes up every 3 hours to be fed?) Why will no one ever give me the drugs I need?! I understand that some people are junkies, but they are a small minority compared to the rest of us who just want help!
In conclusion: I am uncomfortable and annoyed and I just want it to be October so the birth is over and I never have to do this again. Harrumph.
