Monday, September 26, 2016

Hannah Coulter

After trying for almost two years to find a book club that I could talk or otherwise finagle my way into, I've found myself in two different ones, both of which are meeting next week. For one, we are reading Medea, by Euripides, which apparently everyone read in high school except me. In the other, we are reading Hannah Coulter, by Wendell Berry. And despite both featuring women as title characters, two more different stories do not exist.  I was reading them simultaneously for a day or so and it was a very strange place to be, mind-wise. So I gave up and just focused on Hannah this weekend. Medea and her badass revenge may be the subject of a later post.

(I have accepted that this blog is really only about books. My apologies. If you need an excuse to stop reading, you now have one!)

So. Hannah Coulter. I've only ever read Berry's essays in The Art of the Commonplace, which I found thought-provoking but not particularly persuasive. I'm just too much of a feminist urbanite to buy into most of what he's selling. He is a beautiful writer, though, so I was happy to sign up to read one of his novels. I was unprepared, though, for this novel to make me cry, like, twelve times. (It's only 190 pages long, so that's tears about every 16 pages.) It's a simple story about the life of a woman on a farm in Kentucky, but it made me cry more than novels I've read about war. It's possible that my reaction is more a comment on me than the book, but...I would like to think it's the book.

Basically, if I can distill it down, the novel is about time, place, and membership. In the theological sense. It reminded me of Gilead, though, in that it would have been fairly easy to miss the theology. Fiction is a good medium for this kind of work, I think, because what would otherwise be academic to me (like reading John Calvin) ends up being a good story that makes me cry. I don't want to move to Kentucky and become a farmer, but I did end up loving Hannah as a character and admiring the way she lives in the world and thinks about time. I wonder if it's ever possible to separate the goodness of Berry's characters from their rural Kentucky setting? Probably not. It seems like he believes urban life, at its essence, creates character defects. If so, then there is no hope for me.

What I kept thinking about while I was reading Hannah Coulter was, weirdly, Pascal. The way Berry writes about time and expectation and memory reminded me so much of this passage from the Pensees: 

Examine your thoughts and you will find them wholly occupied with the past or the future. We almost never think of the present, and if we do so, it is only to shed light on our plans for the future. The present is never our end. The past and the present are our means; only the future is our end. So we never live, but hope to live, and, as we are always planning to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so.

Hannah spends her whole life trying not to dwell too much in the past or future. She tries her best to live, rather than always hoping to live. It's an admirable pursuit.


Monday, September 12, 2016

the impure beings

Under the absolute government of a single man, despotism, to reach the soul, clumsily struck at the body, and the soul, escaping from such blows, rose gloriously above it; but in democratic republics that is not at all how tyranny behaves; it leaves the body alone and goes straight for the soul. The master no longer says: "Think like me or you die." He does say: "You are free not to think as I do; you can keep your life and your property and all; but from this day you are a stranger among us...When you approach your fellows, they will shun you as an impure being...I have spared your life, but it is a life worse than death."

Democracy in America, Volume One, Part II, Chapter 7

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

academic institutions are, quote, workplaces

“The sweep of this decision is so broad that it’s really likely to transform many, many academic institutions into, quote, workplaces.”

Um, yes, Mr. Lawyer Dude, of course academic institutions are workplaces. How on earth could this be new information? What is an academic institution if it's not a workplace? A studyplace? A thoughtplace? A place where people walk around in monk's robes, eating only berries and reading Kant 16 hours a day?

I so love when people assume that professors and teaching assistants do their work purely for the love of it. If people get paid to work someplace, then it's a workplace. 

Friday, July 29, 2016

The Repairer of the Breach

In Reverend William Barber's DNC convention speech, which I enjoyed a great deal, he references Isaiah 58:12, the passage about "the repairer of the breach":

"If you take away from the midst of you the yoke,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.

And the LORD will guide you continually,
and satisfy your desire with good things,
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters fail not.

And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in."

And who among us does not want to be a "repairer of the breach and a restorer of streets to dwell in"? Who among us does not want to take away the pointing of the (twitter) finger and the speaking of (cable news) wickedness? I'm sure the Bible has many other passages that speak to our present situation, but I found this one particularly wonderful.

Friday, June 24, 2016

the freedom of mediocrity

Two things, unrelated to each other (except in my mind, as will become clear):
  1. The cake I made last night for a baby shower tomorrow
  2. An essay by Rufi Thorpe, Mother, Writer, Monster, Maid

The cake: a disaster. First, never bake with egg whites from a box—even in an effort to save yourself from wasting egg yolks—boxed egg whites don’t whip up the way egg whites from an actual egg do. Second, and this part is crucial: never use baking powder that expired five years ago.

In retrospect, both these of these things seem obvious. Alas. I spent five hours baking two cakes, each of which failed to rise. The first cake failed, or so I thought, because of the egg whites (which also failed to whip up for my first batch of icing). My assumption about the egg whites turned out wrong, though, because—to my utter despair—the second cake I made also failed to rise. The true cause: my baking powder, which no longer retained any of the properties of baking powder. 

(Fun fact: you will know whether your baking powder is dead if you put ¼ teaspoon in ½ cup water. If there is no fizz, go buy new baking powder.)

So you may assume that tonight I am, yet again, making another cake. Not so. After tasting one of the four very thin cake layers I made to make sure it was edible, I put three layers together to form a reasonably normal-looking cake. I covered its imperfections with my second batch of (successful!) icing, and finally went to bed.

And here’s where we get to the essay by Thorpe. There are a great many things I sympathize with in her essay, and since I have no idea what it’s like to be a mother, I can only guess what my own experience would be. I do, however, have some experience as a wife, so those are the parts of the essay I’ll comment on. As Thorpe describes, her husband does not cook and he leaves his underwear on the floor of the bathroom. He also shrinks clothing in the wash. This means that she cleans up the underwear, and she does the cooking, and she does the laundry. She is unhappy about this, which is not surprising. 

And yet, reading this all I could think was that it’s really ok for the food to be mediocre and the underwear to remain on the floor. I know this because my food is often mediocre and I too leave my underwear lying around. I still do my fair share of the cooking, and no one picks up after me. (And when Josh leaves his clothes lying around, no one is picking up after him either.) None of this is ideal, but we muddle along regardless. 

So I would like to make a recommendation to Thorpe and everyone like her: imperfection and mediocrity can be wonderful. Not caring can be truly, truly liberating. Is our house the cleanest? No. Do the dishes always get put away immediately? No. Have I shrunk clothes in the wash? Yes, yes I have. Do I eat too much boxed mac and cheese? Yes, I certainly do. Is this the way I would prefer my life to be? Not really. But are we still doing ok? Still enjoying ourselves? Yes, yes we are.

It’s fine. Not great, not perfect, but totally ok. Sort of like the cake I made last night. I know that with fresh baking powder and another carton of eggs, I could make a perfect, fluffy, beautiful cake. But I don’t want to. I’m tired of baking. The cake I made is good enough.

Friday, June 17, 2016

An Open Letter to my 1998 Nissan Sentra

Dear Simon,

Technically, you were my sister’s car first. You were purchased for her, used, in 2000, after she almost wrecked the Volvo trying to learn how to drive stick shift. And you are named after a boy she had a crush on in the 9th grade. But after 15 years of driving you and replacing your rusting parts, it’s safe to say that you’re all mine now.

I mentioned that are you named after a boy my sister had a crush on. This does not make you all that special—all cars in our family are named, and all names begin with the same letter as the model of the car. Victor the Volvo, Harry the Honda, Simon the Sentra. And yes, all the cars are “male.” In our family, the cars and pets are always male (and we like to anthropomorphize). We know we're strange.

Naming may not have made you special, Simon, but you are nevertheless quite special indeed. You are 18 years old, with only 65,000 miles. When I registered you at the Maryland MVA last year, the lady behind the desk thought this was a joke. It’s not.

You once had mice living in your air conditioning, unbeknownst to me, and I neglected to get the unit checked out for a whole summer. Back in 2002, I knocked your side mirror off while backing out of a garage, and I reattached it using duct tape and drove you around like that for months. (My high school friends call you “El Ghetto” because of this. Not PC at all, but give us a break—we were only 17.) Your top is peeling off and rusting. It looks pretty gruesome. Josh, when he first met you, asked if I had tried to cut out a sunroof for you. (I hope you forgive him for that—sometimes he makes bad jokes.) 

And just a few weeks ago, someone hit your front driver-side door, and now it makes a terrible crunching sound when it closes. In high school, my sister sat in you with liquid cement on her pants, and there has been a weird splotch on your upholstery ever since. In the winter, your power steering sometimes fails. Water now leaks into your trunk. You are missing two hubcaps. You have never, ever been broken into.

Once, driving up Broadway in Manhattan, someone pulled up next to you and shouted: “Hey, I know where you can get that bumper replaced for a great price!” I was confused by this at first—usually men shouting in cars are referring to my bumper and not yours, Simon. But then I was insulted for you. What was wrong with your bumper? It may have looked (as it does now) like I had played bumper cars with you, repeatedly and for many years, but what of it? Isn’t there a saying about scars giving character to a face? No? Well. I still told that guy to get lost. I hope your feelings weren’t hurt.

Simon, you have been an important part of my young adult life. You were the car I learned to drive on, and the car I drove during my driving test back in 2001. You allowed me to sneak in the house way past my curfew in high school. You came to college with me, and got me safely from DC to Chicago to New York and back again, several times. You have helped me move six times. We have spent many, many hours driving around together with the windows down, listening to bad pop music at a ridiculous volume—this is one of my favorite things to do. 

You took me and Alex and Rita to Depot late at night for hamburgers. You took me and Marta and Alex (and sometimes Adam) to many, many delicious cheap ethnic dining establishments. You took me to the library to write my dissertation when I was too lazy to take the bus. You helped Josh out when his car broke down. You got me all the places I wanted to go without ever leaving me stranded by the side of the road. I couldn’t have asked for a better car.

And now, after 15 years together, soon it’s going to be time to say goodbye. You’re old and not in great shape. I don’t drive you as much as I should. Last time I took you to the mechanic, he told me he was worried about replacing any of your parts because you are so rusty and brittle.  And he needs to replace many of your parts.

Selling you (or more likely, giving you away) will be hard for me, because I think of you as a friend—a great friend who is always ready for a trip and never gives me a hard time. We’ve grown old together, Simon, and I’ll really miss you when you’re gone.

Love,

Julia

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Spring

Something new in the air today, perhaps the struggle of the bud
to become a leaf. Nearly two weeks late it invaded the air but 
then what is two weeks to life herself? On a cool night there is 
a break from the struggle of becoming. I suppose that's why we
sleep. In a childhood story they spoke of the land of enchant-
ment. We crawl to it, we short-lived mammals, not realizing that 
we are already there. To the gods the moon is the entire moon 
but to us it changes second by second because we are always fish 
in the belly of the whale of earth. We are encased and can't stray 
from the house of our bodies. I could say that we are released, 
but I don't know, in our private night when our souls explode 
into a billion fragments then calmly regather in a black pool
in the forest, far from the cage of flesh, the unremitting "I." This was 
a dream and in dreams we are forever alone walking the ghost
road beyond our lives. Of late I see waking as another chance at
spring.