41 weeks

41 weeks today. So very, very tired. My back aches, my hips ache, I can't walk for more than 15 minutes without needing to take a break. There is no position — sitting, standing, or lying down — that is comfortable. I swear that I can feel my organs compressed into my chest — my poor, poor intestines. And, man, acid reflux is really disgusting. Have I mentioned I hate pregnancy? 

I have never been in labor so I don't know what it feels like, but apparently I have no obvious signs of someone who is close to being in labor. Given my current status, I really feel that this is highly unfair. At what point, exactly, does my uterus have a chat with my spine and my bladder and call it quits?? It's like my own body is taking the baby's side over mine — which, of course, is exactly what's happening. Biology is cruel. 

I have a c-section scheduled for Monday. My doctors wanted to do it earlier, but I'm glad I waited until 41 weeks because I am now uncomfortable enough that a c-section will feel like a relief. Even if it's as painful as last time, at least it will be over in about 20 minutes and I can be done. 

It's really a bummer to be one of those women who stay pregnant way longer than necessary. This baby could have been born perfectly fine and healthy three weeks ago. At that point I was feeling ok and excited to meet this new person, and now I don't really have the energy to think about anyone but myself. Intellectually I know that the baby is whole point of all this, but the animal part of my brain is taking over now, and all the animal wants to know is when this will end.  

I've been trying to make myself feel better by remembering that these are the last few hours I will ever be pregnant. And that the next time I'm feeling this terrible, it will be because I'm actually ill, and no one will expect me to be happy or excited about it. I do find some comfort in that.